i really have so little time for blogging nowadays. even when i do blog, its like so brief and boring. no time to make it sounds more interesting or exciting even though it is, like my previous sensual dancing post.

life has been not bad for me. been busy with work, colleagues, friends and family. but i don't why do i feel suddenly if i'm doing the right stuffs.

sometimes i wonder what's the purpose in my life. what do i hope to achieve. what i want to do. and where. but no answer came up. i seem to be just drifting along with my life. with no main goal in sight or in mind.

sure i'm busy. so busy. but what am i so busy for ultimately?

once in a while, i will think "hey, maybe that's what i want to be" but a little time later, i think "hmmm, then again, maybe not."

when i was younger, really young, like any other kid, i have my own aspirations and ambitions. there, those common ones like doctor, lawyer, teacher, policewoman, businesswoman and the list goes on.

but now, nothing. nothing to aspire to be or to do. nothing to aim to be or to do.

when did life take such a turn? why do i grow up to want to be nothing? i feel lost. *sighs*

maybe its just that its nearing my quarter-century of age and i look back and feel like i've achieve nothing in my life. is this what they call the mid-life crisis? ok la, maybe quarter-life crisis. quarter-life identity crisis...

yays~ i finally took up dancing! i'm so excited. however, didn't take up exotic dancing as initially planned but something close - sensual dancing.

my very 1st class yesterday was really fun. it was only a small group of 3 of us. but i expect it to grow as i think one of the other girl's friends wanted to join in too.

there are 8 classes in total and i would expect by the end of it to dance sensually to a song for about 3.5 minutes. hee...

feeling excited. my colleague that dragged me there kept laughing throughout the session. then i tell her "girl ar, you are suppose to feel sexy, think sexy and be sexy. how can you expect me to focus on being sexy when you are giggling beside me every other minute?" hur hur...

but it was certainly hilarious especially when we have to think of our own poses to strike. heh...

wheeeee~

i love doing feel good things to yourself like having a pedicure. =) i'm really feeling great! wheee...

was on duty today. it was definitely better than last saturday as the 2 on duty last saturday had a lot of walk-ins to attend to.

luckily for me today, i was free most of the time from 9.30 am to 11.00 am that i was sitting there. so i decided to keep shop and started moving my own stuffs back to my table at 11.15 am and chatting with the others around.

told the other on duty colleague that we must go at 12 pm 'zhun zhun' as i want to go do my nails. then he says "ok ok" and started packing up too.

then the bizzare happens.

at 11.30 am, he received an sms from other colleague to say that her customer is coming in and to assist to let her sign a form.

at 11.35 am, another customer walked in and wants to do global cash withdrawal (ang moh want to draw from his uk hsbc account).

at 11.45 am, yet another customer walked in to complain abt some stuffs and the other colleague attended to her as i was busy arranging for the global cash withdrawal.

at 12 pm, i managed to get rid of the ang moh and happily switched off my pc outside and inside thinking that "yes! finally i can go and i'm early. (official off work time on saturdays is 1 pm)"

i only off my pc once a week and that is over the weekend, the rest of the times, i simply off the monitor so that its faster for me in the mornings. don't need to go through the whole routine of on-ing the pc, waiting for it to start up and keying in the password. anyways, the pc goes into energy saving mode.

the last straw came when at 12.10 pm, an irritating person from downstairs brought a customer up. *grrrrr* the best part was he is a deaf-mute so we had to communicate by writing each other notes. so it took triple the time.

*sighs* they always say and i always believe that its a jinx to say "there is no customers today. can go home early. YAY~" when working. only can pray and wish in the heart.

its not bantang ok because once said, all the wrong customers will come knocking. i really do believe but i forgot the rule not to vocalise your thgoughts and jinx myself this morning. never will i again......

i'm sorry baby that i'm not having a major birthday party in school this year. i know you love the above aeroplane cake that i bought for you last year to celebrate in school. but i think its pretty sweet to have a smaller session with your good friends in class like nicholas, rachel, jannese right... =)

you were hiding behind me throughout the celebration last year remember. you are always shy at the wrong times one. want you to be shy, you jump around like a monkey. don't want you to be shy, you stick to me like glue.

anyways, i love you so so so much. it pains me when i discipline you. hard as it might but i still have to do it as its for yourself. i'm not a great mommy always but lets grow up together ok!

*muaks* happy 4th!

~ * ~ MEMOS TO ALL MOMMY & DADDY ~ * ~

don't spoil me...
i know quite well that i ought not to have all that i ask for. i'm only testing you.

don't be afraid to be firm with me...
i prefer it, it meakes me feel more secure.

don't make me feel smaller than i am...
it only makes me behave stupidly 'big'.

don't correct me in front of people if you can help it...
i'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with in private.

don't make me feel my mistakes are sins...
it upsets my sense of values.

don't protect me from consequences...
i sometimes need to learn the painful way.

don't be too upset when i say, "i hate you"...
it isn't you i hate but your power to thwart me.

don't take too much notice of my small ailments...
sometimes they get me the attention i need.

don't forget i cannot explain myself as well as i should like...
this is why i'm not always very accurate.

don't make rash promises...
remember that i feel badly let down when promises are broken.

don't tax my honesty too much...
i am easily frightened into telling lies.

don't be inconsistent...
that completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

don't tell me my fears are silly...
they are terribly real, and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

don't put me off when i ask questions...
if you do, you will find that i stop asking and seek my information else where.

don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible...
it gives me too great a shock.

don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologise to me...
an honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

don't forget how quickly i am growing up...
it must be difficult to keep pace with me but do try.

don't forget i love experimenting...
i couldn't get on without it, so please put up with it.

don't forget that i can't thrive with lots of understanding love...
but i don't need to tell you, do i?

i don't know why when sometimes, i'm starting to find some parts of my life getting better, before it had a chance to get really good, it becomes very bad.

another long day at work today. never seem to be able to clear my in-tray before something else comes along. everything seems urgent. the bottom of my in-tray is stagnant since last week as something more important just appear and i have to do it first. *sighs*

last sunday, i was still in a fantastic mood feeling that the work is getting better. that moment didn't last for long because monday onwards, its like hell.

firstest, regan was really sick last week. so sick that he seen the gp twice and we brought him into kk a&e on thursday midnight and spent the three quarters of the night there. though the place was teeming with parents and children, they were really efficient.

i barely registered and i heard the doctor calling regan through the announcement speakers. really fast lor. everyone hanging around was under observation as after the doctor had examined regan, we spent the next 3 hours waiting around as the doctor will call for him hourly to see if his condition is better.

think we were just paranoid but it comes to kids, you would never lose by playing safe. he's ok now. *phew* we have been religiously giving him his medicine. he seems skinner now though.

anyways, i don't know what's wrong with work. it just seems to pile up really high. i can hardly breathe. it seems never ending. and i don't know what's wrong with my colleagues or particularly this 2 colleagues, IK & LA.

they are not picking on me or what but i can feel this streak of detest of me in them. i lunch with IK often for the last couple of weeks somemore. the other colleague LA gets the vibe from IK as she is like IK's although LA is of the same age as me. maybe i sound more senior.

i don't know but LA don't seem to know her stuffs really well. less confident, vocal, cannot-be-heard kind of staff. you know some staffs just melt into the background type and you even forget they exist sometimes.

i'm more participative i should say during meetings and around the center. i ask questions. i volunteer myself to do some sh*t work noone wants to do. but i can't really afford the time now for 'volunteer' work. i'm currently overwhelmed.

then there is the premier centre and normal branch conflicts. kaos... i mean we are located at the same place. we used to be under the same management. now that they spilt premier banking with personal banking, those people at personal banking are so snotty i don't know what's their issues. walk into their territory only, they start to sharpen their claws. "COME ON, WHAT'S WRONG!!!"

not that i like to trouble them. i don't even like to trouble my own colleagues and do everything myself. but certain things i cannot do and only they can do, so can't they just do it more nicely. like customer's cash deposit, can't they hold the cash for a freaking 15 minutes when i set up the account? if i can hold the cash, i would. or cheque books and debit cards and pins and every damn collaterals that my side is not allowed to hold and only they can. DUH! if i can get the operation centre to send to me, i would instead of going through them.

i'm angry. i'm frustrated. i'm upset.

its already been bad for a week. now i forsee this week isn't going to be any better. hais...

regan birthday tomorrow. not celebrating in school for him. but thinking of buying a small cake for his class to cut. i find it pointless for the whole childcare centre to celebrate as though its small (60 kids) but he is not close to most of them. only his class so they sing for the sake of singing and not for him personally so whats the point.

planned to bring him to underwater world last weekend but he just recovered so didn't want to tire him out. plus dar was on 11pm to 8am shift on friday and saturday night so he's zonk out on saturday and sunday morning to afternoon. *bleahz* so perhaps this weekend ba.

taking half day so that i can bring him out. a colleague says there's this kids play gym at safra toa payoh. thinking of bring him there but don't know the age limit. he likes swimming but he can't swim as just recovered from his flu/viral infection.

there used to be a play gym at suntec long ago but they tore it down due to no business. located at the current harvey norman shop. even longer ago, during my times, before marina square was renovated, the arcade there was an indoor amusement park with those fly-up-fly-down helicopter rides etc and when mummy goes there shopping, she sure gives us a couple of dollars to play there. so fun can.

still remember we were really young but rather independent already (when it comes to play). every week, mummy will always go shopping. once we reach her destination, she would just shop hers and we would run to find the toys section and eat macdonalds till she picks us up.

we were like in the lower primary. i mean for regan, i wouldn't allow him to roam at the toys section alone lor. so dangerous right. even though the world is more developed and we should be more relax about security, the opposite seems to be true. the baddies are also improving i guess.

the side of my lower calf is so itchy. i've been scratching it non-stop and now its like bleeding. i'm 'mo-peng'. trying not to scratch it now but its really so itchy. *grrr*

time for bed. else tomorrow sure late for work. jolene on a week's mc due to her pregnancy and coming back tomorrow. did i mention she is 38 and her husband is 51? that's why she is more careful. her husband is the head of the chinese department of nus. age old enough to be my dad. but he looks pretty youthful i should say.

she should be careful la. i mean one of my ex-bm, she refuse to rest even after the doctor gave her mc and insisted she do, ended up she over-worked herself and had to be confined to her bed during the last 3 months of her pregnancy. wanted to prove herself and eventually had to have someone to cover her absence which is worse right i find.

oh yes, i didn't mention it has been bad since last week also because of all the bad news. on top of being sick, a rachel's boyfriend, yude, ah gong fell, landed on the ah ma, then both fractured their hips. though the latter is less serious so she can rest at home, they had to be separated. both love each other dearly. the saddest is, the ah gong while in hospital was diagnosed with final stage of lung cancer with a year left. *tearing*

then another close girlfriend, pamela, of the same cliche was operated on last week to remove her gall stone (which had a stone in it causing an obstruction and the gull juices becoming glue-like which is threatening) and appendix. she had admitted to the hospital 2 weeks back for gastric ulcer. so poor thing. when she was at sgh last week, she waited for 12 whole hours and still no bed, then decided to go to mount e. heng she did that lor. because at mount e, the doctor said if she delayed any further, the gall stone's stone which is moving more and more towards the vein which is life-threatening.

gosh, one bad news after another. the three of us is really close and each of us got our own headache to go through.

*sighs* there is so much i want to say actually. so much i want to unload and just type and type so i feel better. other things includes like this morning when i was taking the train, this gross couple was so showy of their affections that it irks me. imagine the guy pinching the girl's waist fats lor. so er! not that i want to see, but i was reading my book and i was looking down (nobody hold their book so high that they have to look up right). from the corner of the eye i can see him doing just that. *yuck*

then i didn't mentioned i just paid a lost library book fine of S$19.95 because some dumbo was blocking the door one fine saturday morning when i was on my way to work. causing those passengers that want to alight can't alight properly and squeezing inbetween me and him (i was standing at the extreme end of the door leaning against the glass).

despite all the ugly stares the rest of the passengers are giving this goon-du, he just blissfully listen to his music plug on his ears. then one dumb dumb was in a hurry to exit as the closing door signal was sounding that he knock into my hand causing the book i was holding in my that hand to fall out. i tried to catch it but i only managed to touch the side once and twice and "plop", it went into the dark dark whole. i was at tanjong pagar mrt station.

was very late for work already so didn't alight there and then or at raffles place station (my station) to inform the station control. tried to call smrt when i got into office but all the lines are closed. so sent them an e-mail but no response. then on monday morning, i inform raffles place station control but they simply gave me the number to call tanjong pagar. after some of my insistence (i got so free meh? can't they call? they should talk between stations right?), she says she will pass the message for me first as well. *sighs*

after the usual monday morning meeting, i called tanjong pagar station and they said they can only check at night after the train stops servicing. but they ask me which door number. wa lau, they think i work there or what. how i know what door number. i had to repeat my agar-agar door to them. towards raffles place direction, door near the front escalator. not clear meh?

they called me the next day and said they couldn't locate the book as they have something called a tunnel washing every weekend after the tran services end and my book probably got flushed or something. another doubt. if its a routine weekly thingy, they should have let me know before hand that i've called so late and most probably the book wouldn't be around right.

then the most angry part is their customer service replied my 1 WHOLE F*****G WEEK after i e-mailed them. i'm seething with anger. its just i don't have the time to reply that 'sorry, we cannot help you' e-mail from them.

ok, i'm unload lots of my mind already. feeling worned out after my outburst. leg still itchy. grrr... couldn't possibly be i'm allergic to seafood right. i just ate tons of crab.

was craving for crabs for weeks and yesterday dad bought lots of crabs so had chilli crabs yesterday and today. though i ended work late, i find it so shiok to sit in front of my tv watching whatever's on (it was the news just now) and eating crabs. yum yum yum. =9 but i ate really so much i'm so sick of it now. no more crabs for the next 3 months sia.

my tummy is getting horrendously big. and my face is getting horrendously ugly eith gigantic ance type of pimples on it. 4 and still counting. can understand why from the long, unstructured and messy ramblings above right.

ok la, i should stop. i keep going on and on and on. still itchy. arghhhh... *yawns*

oh yes, please pardon my language for this post. i'm too lazy to read through and edit. just wanted to get everything out of my system so that i can move on.

i feel much better now. really. going to surf a little more on indoor playgrounds or fun mazes or gyms so that i can bring regan tomorrow afternoon before hitting the sheets. nites nites peeps~

just cut, coloured and highlighted my hair. think i'm going to get into a little trouble at work but ... i like!